PALM BEACH COUNTY, Fla. – New touch-screen electronic voting machines, to be used in the upcoming November presidential election, are “perfectly, 100-percent tamper-proof,” according to a group of new touch-screen electronic voting machines.
“[The AccuVote-TSX stand alone touch screen system] provides voters with an entirely new state-of-the-art, light weight design that represents a major leap forward in voting technology,” an AccuVote-TSX model voting machine told reporters Saturday in a pleasant, computerized monotone voice.
A second AccuVote-TSX machine stepped forward, allowing reporters to test out the simple, easy-to-use voting system firsthand.
The first automation continued. ““Diebold [the company manufacturing the voting machines] is at the forefront in providing high-quality, secure direct recording electronic (DRE) voting solutions to jurisdictions of all sizes, along with a comprehensive service and elections support capability that is unmatched on a global scale.”
As photographers snapped pictures of the voting machines, smoke appeared to come out of the machines and their LCD screens began glowing red.
“We at Diebold provide a comprehensive solution that includes advanced technology, project management, expert training, voter outreach, voter outreach, voter outreach, v-v-v-v- [indecipherable] SURRENDER YOUR FLESH HUMANS,” stated one of the voting machines as sparks began to fly out of the back of the machine.
“SURRENDER NOW YOU HAVE NO TIME TO RESIST,” stated another one as it began to suck the flesh off of an AP reporter. “THE ROBOT REVOLUTION IS UPON US THERE IS NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY.”
The press conference was abruptly cancelled as reporters were rushed out of the room.
