FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September 13, 2001
Release # 01-1525

We at Mandatory Cola™™™ extend our deepest sympathies to all who have been affected by the terrible events of September 11, 2001. The entire Mandatory Cola™™™ family is outraged by this heinous crime and stands firmly behind our leaders.

As consumers of our fine line of products already know, our company is 100% against terrorism and violence involving terrorism. In fact, Mandatory Cola^™™™ is the number-one soft drink of law enforcement and counter-terrorist agencies in the nation. Firemen, police officers, and government agents can all agree that Mandatory Cola^™™™ really helps them thwart terrorism off the face of the Earth ten times faster than the next leading brand.

We recommend you settle back and return to normalcy with an ice-cold Mandatory Cola^™™™ in your hand. From now until next year, we are giving 10% of our proceeds to charity or something. Drink up, and God bless America.