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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Both houses of Congress voted unanimously to repeal the Nineteenth Amendment of the Constitution, revoking women’s right to vote. “This is a boon to Americans everywhere,” stated Senate Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX). “Now women have the freedom to return to the kitchen, where they belong.” The move has outraged several women’s groups, forcing the two women’s groups to bitch and moan, two actions synonymous with their gender. “This is a gross warping of the Constitution,” stated National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy, who, many believe, was probably menstruating at the time of the statement. With no voice in government affairs, women, once naively believing in the concept of sexual equality and in some cases, superiority, are now disillusioned with the concept of the “careerwoman” and are returning to the kitchen in a nationwide exodus. Free from the ire of women, businesses over the nation are booming as thousands of female executives return home to take care of children, wash the dishes, and gossip in sewing circles. “I wanted to be president, but now I want going to stay home and be a mommy,” said Karen Hatchless, a 6-year old from Modesto, California. “Mom says that’s all girls are good for. Then she started crying.”
PHOENIX, Ariz. – President John McCain easily coasted into a second term of office after winning the election with 67% of the vote. “This is not a victory for Republicans, or conservatives, or what-have-you. This is a victory for all Americans,” McCain stated from his campaign headquarters in Arizona after winning the election. “Together, we can work together to make America better and brighter and forge a bridge to future generations.” Vice President Colin Powell echoed the president’s statements, saying that the nation’s economy has never been greater. With a solid approval rating of 70%, President McCain successfully made good on his campaign promise to unite, not divide, the country. Having defeated opponents George W. Bush and Pat Buchanan in the 2000 Republican primaries after a push-polling scandal, McCain went on to win the 2000 election against former Vice President Al Gore. Following the September 11 atrocities, McCain waged a strong battle against the Taliban in the war in Afghanistan, and successfully defended America from terrorism while simultaneously balancing the budget. Although criticized by the press for his refusal to go to war in Iraq, McCain maintained his position that such a war would be a diversion from the task at hand in Afghanistan. President McCain is expected to carry on working toward his goals from his first term, including improving health care, stopping pork-barrel legislation, and reforming campaign finance laws.
MOTOWN - The Supremes Court ordered Alabama judge Roy Moore to stop “in the name of love” and take down a monument of the Ten Commandments in his courthouse Monday. “I hear a symphony,” said Chief Justice Diana Ross in the Court’s concurring opinion, joined by Justices Mary Wilson and Florence Ballard. “My heart can’t take it no more. I’m gonna let my heart do the walkin’: you gotta have love in your heart, but the inclusion of a religious symbol within the walls of an impartial courtroom, leads to nothing but heartaches and is a flagrant violation of the separation of church and state ...I want a guy, a breathtaking guy, who obeys the First Amendment”. Associate justice Florence Ballard agreed with Ross’ statements. “No matter what sign you are, your wonderful sweet, sweet love does not belong within the walls of government. Where do I go from here, you ask? Let yourself go, go and take down that monument, and everything will be automatically sunshine. From rivers deep, mountains high, up the ladder, [and] to the roof, everybody’s got the right to love, but that monument has got to go. Some things you never get used to, but let me go the right way and I’ll try something new: by order of law, if you do not remove that monument in 90 days, you will face serious consequences.”
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