Did you know John Kerry fought in the Vietnam War? Seriously, dude! It’s true, man. I swear. What are some other fun factoids about America’s favorite non-Adlai Stevenson out-of-the-mainstream latte-drinking Volvo-driving New York Times-reading flip-flopping French-kissing homo-loving Purple Heart-tossing Taxachusetts-residing Northeastern-educated liberal Democratic loser?

 

  • Is a robot

  • Once accidentally married John Edwards after getting drunk during a campaign stop in Las Vegas

  • Received two Purple Hearts after being killed in Vietnam

  • Once attempted to pass a bill declaring himself Supreme Emperor of the U.S., which was defeated 87-10

  • Makes sure to eat a hearty breakfast at the start of every day

  • Sacrificed his first-born child to Ra, the Sun God

  • Is a dreamboat

  • Once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

  • Favorite color is periwinkle

  • Is committed to cleaning up corruption in the government, but that’s just because he has obsessive compulsive disorder

  • In addition to the Vietnam War, fought in World War II, the Spanish-American War, and the Revolutionary War

  • Last night he had a dream that he was a little blue dog named Alphie

  • Is blessed with the power to see into the future 30 years, which he chooses not to use for ethical reasons

  • Has an atomic number of 127

  • Would be executed 230 times over if bringing people happiness was a capital offense!

  • Often employs the use of paperclips in order to clip papers efficiently

  • Is the alter-ego of mild-mannered reporter Dirk Robertson

  • One day, back in 1973, he was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as it pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off, wearing a white dress and carrying a white parasol. He only saw her for one second and she didn't see him at all, but not a month has gone by since that he hasn't thought of her.

  • Favorite part of speech is either the interjection or the preposition

  • Bleeds profusely every day for the sins of mankind

  • Despite having taken numerous showers over the past few months, is unable to fully remove the stench of failure from his body