Tuesday, February 1, 2005: 1790 - Average Court becomes Supreme Court after all nine justices are bitten by radioactive bats

Wednesday, February 2, 2005: 1905 - Ayn Rand, horrendous robot-demon from the darkest depths of Hell, born

Thursday, February 3, 2005: Take a brisk walk around the block and gaze upon nature’s beauty today... while you still can!!!

Friday, February 4, 2005: Charles Lindbergh, everybody’s favorite Jew-hater, born

Saturday, February 5, 2005: Adlai E. Stevenson, one-armed Mexican drug smuggler, born

Sunday, February 6, 2005: 2122 - First contact with aliens is made by Weyland-Yutani Corporation (SPOILER; DO NOT READ: ASH IS A ROBOT)

Monday, February 7, 2005: 1964 - “Beatlemania” epidemic arrives in America, killing thousands

Tuesday, February 8, 2005: Did you know February was named for the Roman god Februus, god of purification? It’s a fun factoids like these that help distract you from the full comprehension of your impending death.

Wednesday, February 9, 2005: 1950 - Senator Joe McCarthy (R-WI) accuses the U.S. State Department of having been infiltrated by Democrats

Thursday, February 10, 2005: 1846 - Mormons begin exodus to Utah by taking the Oregon Trail; hundreds drown trying to forge the river

Friday, February 11, 2005: 1987 - Scott Pohlers, Mankind’s Greatest Hope, born

Saturday, February 12, 2005: 2308 - Zyvorkan overlords generously agree to decrease human slave workday to 16 hours

Sunday, February 13, 2005: 1945 - 135,000 die in air raid in Dresden, Germany -- take that, you non-war production city or major industrial center!!!

Monday, February 14, 2005: Hey, you! Cave in to society's demands by extolling the virtues of capitalism with your significant other today!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005: 1954 - Matt Groening, octopus, born

Wednesday, February 16, 2005: 2197 - Robot Party seizes control of Galactic Senate

Thursday, February 17, 2005: Pointless Holiday Creator Day

Friday, February 18, 2005: 1203 - Gothic architects begin ranting about their daily lives and how people are mindless sheep on the walls of cathedrals

Saturday, February 19, 2005: No daughter of mine is going out wearing that, young lady!

Sunday, February 20, 2005: 1989 - President T asks nation to “read my lips, no more jibba-jabba”

Monday, February 21, 2005: 1848 - Karl Marx publishes Harry Potter and the Haunted Spectre of Europe

Tuesday, February 22, 2005: 1992 - Pepsi-Cola releases Cola War POWs

Wednesday, February 23, 2005: 1997 - Schindler's List is brought to you by Ford (in more ways than one)

Thursday, February 24, 2005: 1988 - Karla Slade, Empress-for-Life of North America, born

Friday, February 25, 2005: Have you ever noticed that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year? What’s up with that?

Saturday, February 26, 2005: 1908 - Tex Avery, blob of flesh, born

Sunday, February 27, 2005: Still think all batteries are the same? Consider this: when monitoring a patient after open heart surgery, the brand of battery hospitals trust most is Duracell.

Monday, February 28, 2005: 1983 - President Reagan’s assassination upstaged by final episode of M*A*S*H

Tuesday, February 29, 2005: Man, wouldn’t it be great if this year was a leap year so we could bask in the glory that is February for an extra day before entering the doldrums of March?

Wednesday, February 30, 2005: 2078 - February 30th added to calendar in order to make up for the gradual waning of Earth from the gravitational pull of the sun