“The country of Iraq will not stand for this shit that has done blown up,” stated Iraqi Defense Minister Hazem Shalan. “We have increased security to ensure that more shit will not be done blown up.”

Among the shit done blown up are a library, a truck outside government headquarters, as well as other minor shit. To date, there have been no casualties from the shit done blown up.

Since 1983, Sandiego has been charged with somehow stealing numerous international landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower, Mount Rushmore, the Taj Mahal, and the Grand Canyon, as well as the entire states of New York, Wyoming, and Oregon. “[Sandiego] is a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery. Although Sandiego and many of her associates have once again eluded the iron hand of justice, we are not giving up hope,” stated chief investigator The Chief. “Go get ‘em, gumshoes.”

So far, investigators have in custody many members of Sandiego’s V.I.L.E. gang (a crime syndicate headed by Sandiego), including henchmen “RoboCrook” and “Vic the Slick”. However, many of Sandiego’s henchmen, including the notorious henchmen pair known as Double Trouble, remain at large.

“I saw a woman with blue eyes here just yesterday,” an unidentified restaurant owner told investigators Monday, giving them another lead. “She was talking about seeing the Tundra Falls in some country that you'll have to look up in an atlas in order to send your plane there to get the next clue.”

Last month, a serious crack in the case was established when investigators found out that one of Sandiego’s hired crooks likes tennis, Mexican food, is a male, and has a tattoo on his left leg. A suspect matching this description was last seen in Egypt, somehow carrying away the Pyramids while hopping clumsily away on a pogo stick.

For more than a decade, legislators have been fighting to allow government to regulate video games in order to protect minors from the purported ill effects of the fictional, pixilated world of gaming.

“This is about responsibility and protecting our children from video games' sex and violence," Rep. Watson Guptill, a Repubmocrat, said in a telephone interview.

A proud supporter of the “Protect Children from Video Game Sex and Violence Act of 2003”, Guptill has, oddly enough, not voted on any major legislation to put more police officers on the street, legislation that many experts believe would provide a deterrent to many crime-infested areas throughout the country.

“We need to send a message to video game publishers. Their ratings system is simply unworkable!” said Guptill. We need government intervention to stop this filth from corrupting our most precious asset - our children.”

“[The AccuVote-TSX stand alone touch screen system] provides voters with an entirely new state-of-the-art, light weight design that represents a major leap forward in voting technology,” an AccuVote-TSX model voting machine told reporters Saturday in a pleasant, computerized monotone voice.

A second AccuVote-TSX machine stepped forward, allowing reporters to test out the simple, easy-to-use voting system firsthand.

The first automation continued. ““Diebold [the company manufacturing the voting machines] is at the forefront in providing high-quality, secure direct recording electronic (DRE) voting solutions to jurisdictions of all sizes, along with a comprehensive service and elections support capability that is unmatched on a global scale.”

An AccuVote-TSX model electronic voting machine. (Diebold)

As photographers snapped pictures of the voting machines, smoke appeared to come out of the machines and their LCD screens began glowing red.

“We at Diebold provide a comprehensive solution that includes advanced technology, project management, expert training, voter outreach, voter outreach, voter outreach, v-v-v-v- [indecipherable] SURRENDER YOUR FLESH HUMANS,” stated one of the voting machines as sparks began to fly out of the back of the machine.

“SURRENDER NOW YOU HAVE NO TIME TO RESIST,” stated another one as it began to suck the flesh off of an AP reporter. “THE ROBOT REVOLUTION IS UPON US THERE IS NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY.”

The press conference was abruptly cancelled as reporters were rushed out of the room.

Damn it, Mahoney! You’re a loose cannon! Ever since your old partner died during that Columbian drug bust five years ago, which you blame yourself for, you just haven’t been yourself! You were the best we had in the entire precinct, Mahoney. Take a good look at yourself, John. You’re a wreck. You’re a brooding, alcoholic near-crazed loner who plays by his own rules! Well let me tell you something, Mahoney: in this department, we go by the book.

What’s that? You claim Senator Mulligan is secretly conspiring with an evil international terrorist organization? And where’s your proof, huh? What’s that? You say your only piece of evidence exploded? Do you expect me to believe this phony-baloney cockamamie story? Well I don’t want to hear it, Mahoney!

The mayor’s breathing down my back! Another screw-up like that and my ass could be out of a job! You’re a loose cannon! Hand over your badge, Mahoney – you’re off the force!

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