The Doug Funnie Journals

Bluffington, U.S.A. used to be an average, clean-cut American town, albeit populated with citizens in freakish skin colors for no apparent reason. Now, the words “Bluffington School” are synonymous with one of the most shocking tragedies in recent history. What follows are selected journal entries from the perpetrator, giving rare insight into the mind of a deranged adolescent stepped upon too many times by an uncaring society that ignored his desperate pleas for help, made public here for the first time anywhere.

Dear Journal,

Boy, what a week! I finished my book report right in the nick of time! Phew!

Me and my friend Skeeter were walking down the street when all of a sudden I almost ran into Patti Mayonnaise. Boy was my face as red as a beet!

Me and my dad were watching “The Andy Griffith Show”. Detective Barney sounds exactly like Mr. Bone. Weird!

I got two tickets to the Beets concert next Saturday. I can’t wait!!!!!

Gotta go, Porkchop wants to play “Space Munks”. Later!

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Skeeter sure is acting weird lately. He’s been reading a lot of books. He also keeps talking about someone named “The Man” and something called “Blue Power”. What’s up with that?

Roger Klotz said that Patti Mayonnaise “gets around”. I don’t know what he’s talking about; I haven’t seen her go anywhere.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Mr. Dink bought some “very expensive” video and camera equipment. For some reason, all the cameras are facing my window.

Fentruck Stimmel, that foreign exchange student from Yakestonia, got taken away by the government for some reason. Some guys in suits came in during Mrs. Wingo’s class and just took him away. Weird.

Roger Klotz says that Patti’s “been around the block a few times”. I don’t know what he is talking about; I haven’t seen her on this street in weeks.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Sometimes I wish I could be as athletic as Chalky Studebaker. I asked him what his secret was, and he said he uses something called “asteroids”.

I saw Connie and Bee Bee kiss on the way to Mrs. Wingo’s class. Boy, they must be pretty close friends!

Man, I sure could go for a Honker Burger right now, but it closed down because of something called “e-coh-lye”. I don’t know what that means.

Gotta go, I just remembered I have to tape “Shakespeare on Ice” for Judy.

-Doug

DEAR LOSER,

HA HA! I found your diary and I put it on the internet so evryone can laff at you!!! Next time dont leave yor journal lieing around!!!!!!!

-roger klotz

Dear Journal,

Everyone was laughing at me at school today. They said something about an “internet”. Sometimes I wish they could all die.

Bee Bee says Chalky is gay, but he didn’t look too happy to me.

Oh yeah, Judy joined some weird club at her school the other day. She says a lot of weird chants and yesterday she and the Sleech twins were at the house and they wore paint on their faces and danced around and sacrificed a live chicken and said some weird chants I couldn’t understand and something about love and war. Weird.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Me and my friend Gerald were walking down the street when all of a sudden Helga Pataki runs in to me and starts her shtick of calling me “football-head” and stuff. Who does she think she is?? ..Oh wait, this is the wrong journal.

-Arnold

Dear Journal,

Mr. Bone took away this “Quailman” comic I was drawing because he said it was “inappropriate material”.

Can you believe that jerk suspended me? What a jerk. I’ll show him. I’ll show them all someday.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Me and Roger Klotz got into a fight. He threatened me with a knife so I punched him in the neck and he started convulsing. He’s in the hospital now, and I might face charges of manslaughter.

Also, I have to learn how to dance before Friday so I can ask Patti to the costume ball.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

My dad got arrested for taking inappropriate pictures of kids. He got fired from his photographer job, too. He’s in jail now. Mom was crying.

I hope they let him out soon so that we can finish making that kite.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Today me and Porkchop went down to the field over by Lucky Duck Lake to go hunting for Neematoads. I got this brand-new hunting gun that my uncle gave me. Well, I thought I saw a Neematoad so I started shooting at it. It kept trying to get away, making a valiant effort to stay alive. I shot at it until it was dead.

It was Porkchop.

How did I get myself into this mess?

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Me and Judy went down to the animal shelter to buy a replacement dog. We bought the only dog we could afford. He was foaming at the mouth and bit Judy.

Skunky Beaumont says that Mr. Bluff sells drugs. I didn’t know he was a pharmacist! I asked Bee Bee if she could get her dad to give me some aspirin for these headaches I’ve been having. She didn’t know what I was talking about but her eyes looked really red and she was really tired. She also smelled weird.

P.S. I couldn’t go to the costume ball because I was getting my ears lowered. Oh well.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

When I got home from school today I saw my mom kissing Mr. Swirly on the couch. They didn’t see me, so I just went up to my room quietly.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

I found this note on my locker today:

Dear Doug,

I can no longer in good faith continue with being a friend of a member of a violent hate-mongering race that has committed so many atrocities against my people. Goodbye, Doug.

-Skeeter

P.S. The Blue Man will not be silenced! Honk honk.

I guess that means we’re not friends anymore. Oh well. I guess I will ask Patti if she wants the extra ticket for the Beets concert this Saturday. Maybe I’ll be able to hold her hand!

-Doug

Dear Journal,

I miss Porkchop. I’ve been feeling really depressed lately. I told Skunky Beaumont about it, and he gave me some special beets. Beets are nature’s candy. I think I will try them now. You know, I think thADK THE MOON PEOPLE asfaj ; hghghjjghj kuhjjhjj whyn didnt you tell em you wrere a ghopst why wqont you ley r eme hold yoyur hand AND HOW DOES LEMUR SJIKIN REFLECT THE SEA gY WHATS HAPPPENNG

holy

cow

[indecipherable]

Dear Journal,

Some people in business suits from the Disney company came up to me and had me sign some papers. Ever since then, my voice has been sounding different… is that weird or what?

-Doug

Dear Journal,

I went to the concert with Patti!!!! The Beets were awesome. Patti got really drunk, and she took me up to this hotel room. I don’t want to talk about it.

Dear Journal,

Since me and Skeeter aren’t friends anymore, I’ve been trying to find new people to hang out. I hung out with Larry and some of the other AV nerds today at lunch. Larry kissed me. I don’t think I’ll be hanging out with them anymore.

-Doug

Dear Journal,

Skeeter shot a police officer and the police opened fire.

Oh well.

dear journal sorry I haven’t written in you for the past couple of weeks but Judy committed suicide it was a mass suicide it was very sad mom cried a lot and she’s been drinking a lot and taking a lot of pills and she’s been gone a lot lately and every time she comes back she has a lot of money and smells like body odor and cologne and yesterday she hit me so I ran away I’m writing from Porkchop’s igloo it’s cold in here but I can’t go back home mr. dink said he’d let me spend the night but I don’t trust him I thought about running away like the time I thought my science project blew up the cafeteria but there’s nowhere to go now

i’m scared

Dear Doug,

My dad refuses to pay for the operation. I can’t continue living here anymore. I’m running away. Goodbye forever, Doug. Because I love you – goodbye.

-Patti

Dear Journal,

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I DON’T KNOW HOW I GOT MYSELF INTO THIS MESS, BUT I KNOW I’M NOT GOING TO GET OUT OF IT THIS TIME.

[final entry]